My presence in BlogLand has been sporadic lately, mostly due to the fact that classes at the university start this week and I've been in the throngs of preparing lectures and handouts, course outlines and repertoire lists. Who knew being a professor was so much work! It should calm down once things get moving, thankfully. I miss my free time to read and write and get it all out there.
Yesterday I found out a good friend of mine is pregnant. Her little toddler is our godson and we've always been close, before and after Charlotte. She was the email connection that kept everyone updated while I was in the hospital, and we've gotten together quite a few times since April. With her little one she's also been in the midst of everything and everyone baby-related, so I've turned down a lot of invitations with her too. A couple of months ago I heard through another friend that she thought I should have been "over this by now", which hurt, but what do you do. If I've learned one thing this year it's to take what I can get from people and not expect much. To my face, anyway, she's somewhat supportive. As much as anyone.
My birthday came and went and we hadn't heard from them. Christmas came and went. We called to invite them out for dinner, they declined because S was sick (which didn't alarm me as everyone seemed to be sick over the holidays). They hosted a Christmas brunch with at least 4 babies in attendance and we declined. I haven't seen her since November.
Her husband works with M. M mentioned that S had been calling in a lot lately, that husband/coworker P said she was sick, and everytime she called he would run out of the room to take the call. As soon as M relayed the story, I knew she was pregnant.
When she was trying with our godson I had a complete play by play of what was going on. I knew she was pregnant before the stick was dry; in fact, I think I was the first person she told. I knew weeks before her mother knew, weeks before the morning sickness set in. I hosted her baby shower at six months. I was her "call-on" person to be with her during labour.
This time I found out because M outright asked P at work yesterday and he didn't deny it. When we found out about their first pregnancy, they were hush hush, don't tell anyone. This one seems to be public knowledge. We just hadn't been told.
M said that P seemed really relieved that he finally knew, and I could just imagine the conversations between S and P. Oh, don't tell Heather and M, she'll freak out....
Now I'm not sure what to do. A big part of me wants to call her up and say, congrats, heard number 2 is on the way, I wish you had told me yourself. Another part says ignore it altogether and wait for her to contact me. Another part says just suck it up and call and congratulate and pretend everything is fine.
I hate pretending everything is fine. I do that all day long.
Just another bonus of being a DB mom. The gift that keeps on giving.
And of course, in my completely self-centered DB mom way, one of my first thoughts was, oh great, if we do get pregnant soon and then this baby dies too, I'll have another shadow baby to deal with. Dear God.
7 comments:
Hang in there! ((HUGS))
Heather, it sort of makes me glad that I don't have any friends trying to get pregnant. We were the first of all our friends to get married, and now 4 out of the 10 in our wedding party are married (in the last couple years) and one is engaged. So no one has gotten to the baby making stage yet but I'm not sure how much I would hear about it if they were.
I'm sorry you had to find out in such a roundabout way. I think you should say "congrats, heard number 2 is on the way, I wish you had told me yourself". As much as it hurts to hear people in the next cubicle talking about their baby that was just born, or a baby on the way, those are just co-workers. If one of my friends was telling everyone else she was pregnant and not me because of what I've gone through I would probably feel like you do. It's one thing to be sad that your baby died and wish things were different, but there’s room within a person to be happy for someone else and hopeful that they will get to take their baby home. There’s jealousy there too, but it’s to be expected. If you value her friendship you should just have a frank discussion with her, I know from reading your blog that it a lot of people have fallen out of your life because they’re all babyland friends. Take it from me, actively isolating yourself isn’t good in the long run. I’m already so isolated and it sucks.
But you’re right, you shouldn’t have to pretend that everything is fine.
Yeah, I hate it when people tiptoe around me. I think you should call her up and say congrats. Be the bigger person so to speak? Maybe tell her that you wished she would have called you herself and told you...and that yes, it will hurt you a little, but it will always hurt.
I still get upset and jealous every time someone I know finds out they are pg. Weird huh?
Sometimes I wish I could throw cream pies at people with impunity...
Still baffling to me how, by trying to tiptoe around us or "comfort" us, people can get it so exactly wrong.
I've caught a couple of friends out. They were so "there" for me in the beginning, then they just disappeared for a while. When I cornered a couple of them and just said "look, are you pregnant?" and they said yes, I was a bit annoyed. They also felt terrible for not telling me themselves and that I'd caught them out, but they said they'd been freaking for weeks about how to tell me. One of them is having her second. I feel like screaming "can't you wait and just let me have one first". Our live is FULL of babies. Pretty much all of our friends have kids (either one or two by this stage) and the rest have one on the way. It is painful. My best friend is four days overdue now (with her second). Four days overdue is when my Hope passed away.
Thinking of you xo
I think you should call and congratulate her but tell her you wish she had told you herself.
One of the things I have come to accept is that most people can't win in this situation. You would be upset (maybe) either way or is she told you and caught you off guard. She probably thought she was protecting you, but it is annoying to hear about it last. Like you said, take what you can get and not expect much. Anywho, your annoyance sounds normal to me. And we know it's not about her, it's about your pain and what you have missed out on and how it seems like babies work out for everyone else.
I'm with CLC -- call & congratulate her, but tell her -- not in a mad way, but just matter of factly, that you wish you had heard it from her. It's so hard when everyone around you is having babies & you're not. (((hugs)))
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