It's a snowy, blustery day here. Schools are closed. I'm sitting home, in my pjs, enjoying a true snow day- the absolute best kind of day.
Work has been such a distraction lately. I haven't had much time to read or blog or even think, really. I'm still carrying my dead baby weight on my shoulders and it's always on my mind, but I can feel Charlotte slipping a little, replaced with responsibilities and deadlines.
Other than M, our doctors, therapist and my blogging friends, I can't remember the last time anyone mentioned Charlotte, implied anything about Charlotte, or acknowledged that I was anything but sick last year. To me, it's starting to feel more and more like a bad dream and less like reality. When everyone ignores it all the time, it's hard to even remember myself. What I do remember through the fog are fuzzy images that no one else wants to remember, but that I cling to every detail of.
At Charlotte's memorial service, parents of my friend J came to give their condolences . They said how sorry they were, how they had been through something similar with their daughter L years before. I had always been so close with this family, spending holidays with them and even lived with them for a period of time. I had never heard of a baby dying in their family.
A couple of days later J called to check on me. She's such a sweet and dear friend. I asked her about her older sister; what had her parents been referring to? She paused for a second. Oh right, she said. I totally forgot about that. L had a little boy in between her two girls but there were some genetic abnormalities so he was born early and didn't make it.
I didn't think much of it in the moment, but I've thought about it so many times since. They are such a close, ideal family. 10 years after the fact, she didn't remember that her own sister had buried a little boy. My story didn't jog her memory even, until I reminded her.
In ten years time will anyone remember Charlotte, except M and I? I don't know that they will.
Makes me so sad.
How do you make people remember something they won't even mention?
Not one person (that I know of) has even gone to see her stone. It's been installed now for three months. They all know it's there. My inlaws haven't seen it, my mom hasn't seen it. No one visited her at Christmas, except for us. I showed a picture of it to my MIL, almost by accident, just going through pics on the computer, and she made little comment, just oh, that's what it's like.
Walking the dead baby road can be the loneliest, loneliest road IRL.
It's day 46 of my cycle. I've taken two more HPT. Still negative.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Random musings
Hmmm... what is this? A free hour? Can we say BLOG?
Today is day 39 of my cycle. No AF. I have taken, as of this morning, four pregnancy tests. I am not pregnant. I have a feeling this is a very long cycle and my body is completely confused. If by some miracle I am pregnant, great, let's get this ball rolling. If not, that's ok, just let me have my stupid period so I can start charting and figure out what's going on.
TTC sucks.
We invited my pregnant friend and her husband and baby over for dinner on the weekend, and they came. I chickened out and didn't say anything to her, really. She is 11 weeks. The conversation was painfully awkward at first. I got the lowdown on her morning sickness and her doctor's appointments. I didn't really mind hearing about it. She talked about being off work next year and about choosing colours for the baby's room and finishing their basement so the toys will have a place. He little toddler ran around the room pushing buttons on everything he could find.
It was all so surreal. You forget, you know. How easy and uncomplicated pregnancy and childbirth can be for some people.
All I could think, the whole time, were all the milestones she has yet to reach and conquer in her pregnancy in order for this baby to come home. The odds that are stacked up.
Oh right, the odds are actually in favour of her bringing home that baby, aren't they?
Again, I forget sometimes.
I have to say that pregnant women don't upset me like they used to. I worry for them, I fear for them, and I'm a bit jealous of their bliss. But the pain has subsided (well, mostly). More than anything, I really don't feel like I live in their world. I don't feel like I have anything in common with them. The same experiences with completely different outcomes. Detached, maybe.
If and when I do get pregnant I think I will feel even more detached from the regular pregnant people.
Off I go to school. Another day.
Today is day 39 of my cycle. No AF. I have taken, as of this morning, four pregnancy tests. I am not pregnant. I have a feeling this is a very long cycle and my body is completely confused. If by some miracle I am pregnant, great, let's get this ball rolling. If not, that's ok, just let me have my stupid period so I can start charting and figure out what's going on.
TTC sucks.
We invited my pregnant friend and her husband and baby over for dinner on the weekend, and they came. I chickened out and didn't say anything to her, really. She is 11 weeks. The conversation was painfully awkward at first. I got the lowdown on her morning sickness and her doctor's appointments. I didn't really mind hearing about it. She talked about being off work next year and about choosing colours for the baby's room and finishing their basement so the toys will have a place. He little toddler ran around the room pushing buttons on everything he could find.
It was all so surreal. You forget, you know. How easy and uncomplicated pregnancy and childbirth can be for some people.
All I could think, the whole time, were all the milestones she has yet to reach and conquer in her pregnancy in order for this baby to come home. The odds that are stacked up.
Oh right, the odds are actually in favour of her bringing home that baby, aren't they?
Again, I forget sometimes.
I have to say that pregnant women don't upset me like they used to. I worry for them, I fear for them, and I'm a bit jealous of their bliss. But the pain has subsided (well, mostly). More than anything, I really don't feel like I live in their world. I don't feel like I have anything in common with them. The same experiences with completely different outcomes. Detached, maybe.
If and when I do get pregnant I think I will feel even more detached from the regular pregnant people.
Off I go to school. Another day.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Day 29
Hmm. I haven't called my friend yet. I'm procrastinating.
I will, though. Sometime in the next few days. Promise.
I spent my weekend hovered over music scores and recordings, prepping for the week to come. I'm doing my absolute best to make a good first impression with the students and other faculty, and so far, I think it's working.
It feels really, really good to have a goal (and see results) outside of the baby-making realm.
Sometimes I forget that there is more to me than my scarred uterus and broken heart.
It's day 29 of my cycle. I have no idea when my cycle "should" end. Last month was 30 days but the month prior, 45, then 58. I have had no evidence that I have ovulated, but we've had lots of BD'ing anyway, and we'll just wait and see. If AF doesn't show up in a few days I'll probably test, but I'm not expecting anything. And (I say this now, wait until the day), I'm ok with whatever happens.
We passed the 9-month mark last week. Sounds like so long. Long enough to entirely grow another baby. The weeks and months are running together now; my memories fuzzy and cloudy. I remember so little of last year, especially last spring. 2008 will always be a blur, I think. There were no memories to be made. I spend weeks post-Charlotte just sitting on the couch, not reading or watching tv, just sitting and staring. No memories to be made there.
I can't believe that in less than 3 months it will be the one-year anniversary. I never, ever, thought I would make it.
Later this week is the anniversary of the day I was put off work and onto bedrest with the high BP. At the time, I was so naive. I didn't worry, I actually liked it. I hated my job so it was a great excuse to hang out at home and watch movies. I slept, watched tv and went to the doctor. That was my life for nearly three months. Not even once during that time did I ever consider that the baby's life was in danger. I read everything I could find about pre-e and pregnancy-induced hypertension. Everyone I knew told me stories about cousin A and coworker B who had sky high blood pressure when pregnant and everything turned out just fine.
Why couldn't I be cousin A or coworker B?
Off to school I go. Teaching awaits.
I will, though. Sometime in the next few days. Promise.
I spent my weekend hovered over music scores and recordings, prepping for the week to come. I'm doing my absolute best to make a good first impression with the students and other faculty, and so far, I think it's working.
It feels really, really good to have a goal (and see results) outside of the baby-making realm.
Sometimes I forget that there is more to me than my scarred uterus and broken heart.
It's day 29 of my cycle. I have no idea when my cycle "should" end. Last month was 30 days but the month prior, 45, then 58. I have had no evidence that I have ovulated, but we've had lots of BD'ing anyway, and we'll just wait and see. If AF doesn't show up in a few days I'll probably test, but I'm not expecting anything. And (I say this now, wait until the day), I'm ok with whatever happens.
We passed the 9-month mark last week. Sounds like so long. Long enough to entirely grow another baby. The weeks and months are running together now; my memories fuzzy and cloudy. I remember so little of last year, especially last spring. 2008 will always be a blur, I think. There were no memories to be made. I spend weeks post-Charlotte just sitting on the couch, not reading or watching tv, just sitting and staring. No memories to be made there.
I can't believe that in less than 3 months it will be the one-year anniversary. I never, ever, thought I would make it.
Later this week is the anniversary of the day I was put off work and onto bedrest with the high BP. At the time, I was so naive. I didn't worry, I actually liked it. I hated my job so it was a great excuse to hang out at home and watch movies. I slept, watched tv and went to the doctor. That was my life for nearly three months. Not even once during that time did I ever consider that the baby's life was in danger. I read everything I could find about pre-e and pregnancy-induced hypertension. Everyone I knew told me stories about cousin A and coworker B who had sky high blood pressure when pregnant and everything turned out just fine.
Why couldn't I be cousin A or coworker B?
Off to school I go. Teaching awaits.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Shadow babies round 2
My presence in BlogLand has been sporadic lately, mostly due to the fact that classes at the university start this week and I've been in the throngs of preparing lectures and handouts, course outlines and repertoire lists. Who knew being a professor was so much work! It should calm down once things get moving, thankfully. I miss my free time to read and write and get it all out there.
Yesterday I found out a good friend of mine is pregnant. Her little toddler is our godson and we've always been close, before and after Charlotte. She was the email connection that kept everyone updated while I was in the hospital, and we've gotten together quite a few times since April. With her little one she's also been in the midst of everything and everyone baby-related, so I've turned down a lot of invitations with her too. A couple of months ago I heard through another friend that she thought I should have been "over this by now", which hurt, but what do you do. If I've learned one thing this year it's to take what I can get from people and not expect much. To my face, anyway, she's somewhat supportive. As much as anyone.
My birthday came and went and we hadn't heard from them. Christmas came and went. We called to invite them out for dinner, they declined because S was sick (which didn't alarm me as everyone seemed to be sick over the holidays). They hosted a Christmas brunch with at least 4 babies in attendance and we declined. I haven't seen her since November.
Her husband works with M. M mentioned that S had been calling in a lot lately, that husband/coworker P said she was sick, and everytime she called he would run out of the room to take the call. As soon as M relayed the story, I knew she was pregnant.
When she was trying with our godson I had a complete play by play of what was going on. I knew she was pregnant before the stick was dry; in fact, I think I was the first person she told. I knew weeks before her mother knew, weeks before the morning sickness set in. I hosted her baby shower at six months. I was her "call-on" person to be with her during labour.
This time I found out because M outright asked P at work yesterday and he didn't deny it. When we found out about their first pregnancy, they were hush hush, don't tell anyone. This one seems to be public knowledge. We just hadn't been told.
M said that P seemed really relieved that he finally knew, and I could just imagine the conversations between S and P. Oh, don't tell Heather and M, she'll freak out....
Now I'm not sure what to do. A big part of me wants to call her up and say, congrats, heard number 2 is on the way, I wish you had told me yourself. Another part says ignore it altogether and wait for her to contact me. Another part says just suck it up and call and congratulate and pretend everything is fine.
I hate pretending everything is fine. I do that all day long.
Just another bonus of being a DB mom. The gift that keeps on giving.
And of course, in my completely self-centered DB mom way, one of my first thoughts was, oh great, if we do get pregnant soon and then this baby dies too, I'll have another shadow baby to deal with. Dear God.
Yesterday I found out a good friend of mine is pregnant. Her little toddler is our godson and we've always been close, before and after Charlotte. She was the email connection that kept everyone updated while I was in the hospital, and we've gotten together quite a few times since April. With her little one she's also been in the midst of everything and everyone baby-related, so I've turned down a lot of invitations with her too. A couple of months ago I heard through another friend that she thought I should have been "over this by now", which hurt, but what do you do. If I've learned one thing this year it's to take what I can get from people and not expect much. To my face, anyway, she's somewhat supportive. As much as anyone.
My birthday came and went and we hadn't heard from them. Christmas came and went. We called to invite them out for dinner, they declined because S was sick (which didn't alarm me as everyone seemed to be sick over the holidays). They hosted a Christmas brunch with at least 4 babies in attendance and we declined. I haven't seen her since November.
Her husband works with M. M mentioned that S had been calling in a lot lately, that husband/coworker P said she was sick, and everytime she called he would run out of the room to take the call. As soon as M relayed the story, I knew she was pregnant.
When she was trying with our godson I had a complete play by play of what was going on. I knew she was pregnant before the stick was dry; in fact, I think I was the first person she told. I knew weeks before her mother knew, weeks before the morning sickness set in. I hosted her baby shower at six months. I was her "call-on" person to be with her during labour.
This time I found out because M outright asked P at work yesterday and he didn't deny it. When we found out about their first pregnancy, they were hush hush, don't tell anyone. This one seems to be public knowledge. We just hadn't been told.
M said that P seemed really relieved that he finally knew, and I could just imagine the conversations between S and P. Oh, don't tell Heather and M, she'll freak out....
Now I'm not sure what to do. A big part of me wants to call her up and say, congrats, heard number 2 is on the way, I wish you had told me yourself. Another part says ignore it altogether and wait for her to contact me. Another part says just suck it up and call and congratulate and pretend everything is fine.
I hate pretending everything is fine. I do that all day long.
Just another bonus of being a DB mom. The gift that keeps on giving.
And of course, in my completely self-centered DB mom way, one of my first thoughts was, oh great, if we do get pregnant soon and then this baby dies too, I'll have another shadow baby to deal with. Dear God.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
'tis over
Welcome, January 3rd. Glad to see you.
The season is over. Thank you thank you. We made it through relatively unscathed. I turned down invitation after invitation, hibernated in my house, and now, finally, through to the other side.
Christmas Eve was awful. We did the obligatory visiting to M's 90+ year old grandmother, and I felt so empty. Something was missing. Last Christmas Eve at this visit we had talked so many times how this Christmas baby would be here, wouldn't that be wonderful, how much we had to look forward to. We visited Charlotte's grave on our way and joined the throngs of grieving families at the cemetery. Who knew the cemetery was the place to be on Christmas Eve.
I got to dip out from the visit early, to head to church to prepare for the Christmas eve service. Which was lovely by all standards, and heartbreaking by mine. I did my best to look at it as simply another day at work, and I got through the service just as I had planned, and sneaked out the side door before the Merry Christmas hugs started.
Christmas Day was hard on M. He was very emotional in the morning, whereas I was distracted by the boxes under the tree. I'm never too concerned what I receive for Christmas, but I LOVE giving gifts and seeing everyone's reaction, and that was no different this year. I had gone overboard on M's gifts to cheer him a little, and it worked, somewhat. We also bought a lot of time-consuming gifts this year- board games, video games, dvds, etc, to fill the empty nights ahead of us.
I did indeed get my camera, and as soon as I figure out how to get my pictures on the computer, this blog will enter a new era!
The TTC has officially started. I have no idea what my cycle is doing, so we're just winging it this month. See what happens. I'm going to have to start charting or something to figure out what's going on. We got pregnant with Charlotte soooo easily (yes, I was one of those women) and I just have a feeling that it's not going to be as easy this time.
I guess I'll know in a couple of weeks if we fluked into something this month or not.
Classes at the university start on Thursday, and I'll join the ranks of the full-time employed. Actually, I'll be more than full time, as I'm keeping my church job and my other part-time job while I'm at the university. It has been a year, nearly, since I've worked full time. I've been fortunate to have the time to wallow in my grief, to enjoy a slower pace of life, and that time is up now. I'm back to the real world. I hate the real world.
I'm off to catch up on your blogs. Hope everyone made it through ok.
The season is over. Thank you thank you. We made it through relatively unscathed. I turned down invitation after invitation, hibernated in my house, and now, finally, through to the other side.
Christmas Eve was awful. We did the obligatory visiting to M's 90+ year old grandmother, and I felt so empty. Something was missing. Last Christmas Eve at this visit we had talked so many times how this Christmas baby would be here, wouldn't that be wonderful, how much we had to look forward to. We visited Charlotte's grave on our way and joined the throngs of grieving families at the cemetery. Who knew the cemetery was the place to be on Christmas Eve.
I got to dip out from the visit early, to head to church to prepare for the Christmas eve service. Which was lovely by all standards, and heartbreaking by mine. I did my best to look at it as simply another day at work, and I got through the service just as I had planned, and sneaked out the side door before the Merry Christmas hugs started.
Christmas Day was hard on M. He was very emotional in the morning, whereas I was distracted by the boxes under the tree. I'm never too concerned what I receive for Christmas, but I LOVE giving gifts and seeing everyone's reaction, and that was no different this year. I had gone overboard on M's gifts to cheer him a little, and it worked, somewhat. We also bought a lot of time-consuming gifts this year- board games, video games, dvds, etc, to fill the empty nights ahead of us.
I did indeed get my camera, and as soon as I figure out how to get my pictures on the computer, this blog will enter a new era!
The TTC has officially started. I have no idea what my cycle is doing, so we're just winging it this month. See what happens. I'm going to have to start charting or something to figure out what's going on. We got pregnant with Charlotte soooo easily (yes, I was one of those women) and I just have a feeling that it's not going to be as easy this time.
I guess I'll know in a couple of weeks if we fluked into something this month or not.
Classes at the university start on Thursday, and I'll join the ranks of the full-time employed. Actually, I'll be more than full time, as I'm keeping my church job and my other part-time job while I'm at the university. It has been a year, nearly, since I've worked full time. I've been fortunate to have the time to wallow in my grief, to enjoy a slower pace of life, and that time is up now. I'm back to the real world. I hate the real world.
I'm off to catch up on your blogs. Hope everyone made it through ok.
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