I told our psychologist if I could fast-forward the next year or so I would in a heartbeat. I'd like to leave the intense part of this heartbreak behind, I'd like to think I'm over the 'hump' of this. I've got a long way to go, M does too. I'm still, very much, in the day-to-day management of my life. I haven't been able to plan for much or to think ahead. Next week might as well be next year. Eventually I have to snap out of this; my maternity leave ends in a month and I realistically have to think about what I'm going to be doing with my time after that. I am not planning on returning to my old job; I was overqualified and underpaid, and I was ready to leave when I found out Charlotte was on the way. That said, the silly bills and mortgage will keep coming, and I have to find a way to contribute. It wouldn't be fair to M to expect him to handle all the financial stuff on his salary alone, even though we could probably manage.
I've interviewed for a couple of prospective positions since I got home, but no luck as of yet. I'm tired of doing the crappy job. I want a position I can be proud of; something I can see myself doing for longer than "right now". I worked so hard in university and grad school so I would be able to do this, but the cards haven't played right so far. I had everything worked out career-wise when Charlotte was on the way- I was planning on starting my own business, beginning small and growing as she grew. I'll still do that someday, but moving to self-employment right now seems irresponsible. My maternity and sick leave would be non-existent, and I'll need them if we're going to try for another baby in the foreseeable future.
So, I'm on the job hunt. And I don't have the energy for it right now.
I found out a couple of weeks ago that one of the contributing complications with Charlotte was a gene I carry called Factor V Leiden. It's related to blood clotting disorders, and it reacts pretty strongly with high blood pressure. When I googled it and found the typical pregnancy complications it was me all over; it was exactly what had happened with us. I'm relieved to an extent- I'm glad they came back with something, although I wish it was more of a one-time issue. Unfortunately we'll be dealing with this again, but there are steps we can take to maximize our potential in future pregnancies. My obstetrician Dr K seemed fairly positive about it. We have an appointment with our MFM on July 29th to further discuss the implications for future pregnancies. I'm looking forward to meeting with her. Dr K said I'll likely be on heparin next time.... fun fun! I was on that during my hospital stay with Charlotte and I bruised so badly. I can't imagine giving myself the shot but I'll do whatever I have to. At least it's something I can do.
Our friends are now overdue with their baby. I so wish I could be like everyone else, anxiously awaiting the sweet thing's arrival and showing up with balloons in the hospital. That's not going to be me. I'm happy for our friends, and I definitely wouldn't wish them in our shoes, but I am jealous beyond words. I can't wait to get it over with, to make the obligatory first visit to the baby and come home and cry my eyes out and yell and scream and get it all out. Life is so unfair. Charlotte should be getting ready to be delivered now, not buried at the top of the hill. Charlotte should be growing up alongside their baby; we should be signing up for baby swimming together and planning picnics and trips to the park. They would have been best friends.
Life really sucks sometimes.
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