My big exciting outings include trips to pharmacies in whatever large discount dept store I feel like visiting. While I'm waiting for my prescriptions to be filled, I wander around the store and look at things. Since last week's ultrasound I've been courageous enough to visit the baby section, twice. Now that we know bumblebee is a boy I've been looking at little blue onesies and sleepers, and have even picked up a couple of little things.
I've noticed something, and maybe it's just me:
Is there WAY more selection for baby girls than baby boys? It seems like the stores I've visited have had at least 2 or 3 times the amount of girl stuff than boy stuff. Is this the case everywhere, or is it just the stores I've visited? It seems to be true for clothes, bedding sets, everything. I wonder why?
* * *
Our next ultrasound is scheduled in three weeks. If bumblebee is growing on schedule he'll be the same size Charlotte was when she was born. This freaks me out some.
* * *
I plowed through the Twilight series, well, the first three books anyway, pretty quickly. I really enjoyed books 1 and 2. I thought 3 was ok. I am really struggling with book 4. I have about 250 pgs to go and I've been forcing myself to get through it. I didn't mind the birth stuff, but I'm just not enjoying this one very much. Anyone else find #4 was weak?
* * *
My sister sent me the DVDs of The O.C., which I have never seen. Juicy teenage drama is right up my alley right now. I'm partway through season 1, and I'm hoping the four seasons will see me through until the next ultrasound. So far I am enjoying it thoroughly. I am all about TV on DVD when I'm on bedrest. An excellent way to spend time.
I think that's it from me today.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
A much better place.
I feel 100X better than I did on Friday. Thank you all for your understanding and support. I seriously don't know what I would do without you. There's certainly no one IRL that I can run to with this stuff- and I really needed someone to listen, to say I wasn't crazy, to say they felt like that too. Thank you.
After mulling it over and getting used to the idea of a boy, I can honestly say now that I'm excited. Such a relief, and a wonderful feeling. We talked about names and how we'll decorate the nursery, and M is excited about toy trucks and fishing trips and building snow forts (pardon all the gender stereotyping!).
After the initial shock wore off I can actually see this being the preferable option- at least now the two babies will be more definitely separate. I won't be trying to relive Charlotte through this baby. It will be different, and wonderfully different. And I think that's good.
Oh- you'll laugh at this- in my frenzy on Friday I told M to inform his mother that if she said ANYTHING to me about "see, I told you that you couldn't have girls", that I would hit her. And I meant it. He was good to his word and said something to her when he visited them with the ultrasound report. I saw her yesterday and she said nada. Though she seems mad at me. Which I thought was funny.
The little bumblebee is doing well, and that's the most important thing. I am so madly in love with this baby. It's scary.
After mulling it over and getting used to the idea of a boy, I can honestly say now that I'm excited. Such a relief, and a wonderful feeling. We talked about names and how we'll decorate the nursery, and M is excited about toy trucks and fishing trips and building snow forts (pardon all the gender stereotyping!).
After the initial shock wore off I can actually see this being the preferable option- at least now the two babies will be more definitely separate. I won't be trying to relive Charlotte through this baby. It will be different, and wonderfully different. And I think that's good.
Oh- you'll laugh at this- in my frenzy on Friday I told M to inform his mother that if she said ANYTHING to me about "see, I told you that you couldn't have girls", that I would hit her. And I meant it. He was good to his word and said something to her when he visited them with the ultrasound report. I saw her yesterday and she said nada. Though she seems mad at me. Which I thought was funny.
The little bumblebee is doing well, and that's the most important thing. I am so madly in love with this baby. It's scary.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Ultrasound...
Oh ladies, I am such a blubbering mess.
Our ultrasound was uneventful. Baby has lost a few days of growth since our last ultrasound but is still measuring ahead a couple of days from our baseline ultrasound at 8w. So, that's good. All the body parts are there and in good order and -get this- they didn't need to get the radiologist! That was strange.
The tech was really sweet and turned the screen so I could see. She talked her way through telling us what she was measuring etc. At the end she asked if we wanted to know the sex, which we did. She flicked a couple of buttons and a picture popped up on the screen, profiling a very defined little penis.
Boy? I asked.
Definitely, she said.
I had told myself all along, many many times, that the sex was irrelevant. All we wanted was the baby to come home. That's still true, but I really, really, wasn't prepared for the HUGE rush of emotions that flooded me instantly.
As soon as she left the room the tears came. Poor M didn't know what to make of me, I was in such a state. I cried my out of ultrasound down the hallway and to the car. We sat in the car for about 20 minutes before we even started the engine, as I cried my eyes out and didn't even know why. I didn't realize, until that moment, how badly I wanted this baby to be a girl. I feel like such a bitch saying that- after what we've been through the thought that I would cry over the baby's gender of all things- especially considering the ultrasound was good when it could have been so bad- well, those thoughts just made me sadder. I was sad for being sad.
Every time I've thought about parenthood since Charlotte I guess I've always pictured parenting, well, her. Logically I knew the difference, but I guess more than I realized I've really imagined myself with a little girl, doing little girl things. I've never really pictured myself with a boy. Well, now there's a little boy growing inside me and I don't really know what to make of it.
I know it's not politically correct to be disappointed in your baby's gender. And I do want this baby, I really do. And, I LOVE little boys so I don't know what my problem is. From reading other's blogs, etc., I think it's pretty common for us loss mamas to want, well, what we lost. I was banking on another girl without realizing it. I kind of feel like I lost my little girl all over again.
It's just so overwhelming. All of it. I feel like shit.
Our ultrasound was uneventful. Baby has lost a few days of growth since our last ultrasound but is still measuring ahead a couple of days from our baseline ultrasound at 8w. So, that's good. All the body parts are there and in good order and -get this- they didn't need to get the radiologist! That was strange.
The tech was really sweet and turned the screen so I could see. She talked her way through telling us what she was measuring etc. At the end she asked if we wanted to know the sex, which we did. She flicked a couple of buttons and a picture popped up on the screen, profiling a very defined little penis.
Boy? I asked.
Definitely, she said.
I had told myself all along, many many times, that the sex was irrelevant. All we wanted was the baby to come home. That's still true, but I really, really, wasn't prepared for the HUGE rush of emotions that flooded me instantly.
As soon as she left the room the tears came. Poor M didn't know what to make of me, I was in such a state. I cried my out of ultrasound down the hallway and to the car. We sat in the car for about 20 minutes before we even started the engine, as I cried my eyes out and didn't even know why. I didn't realize, until that moment, how badly I wanted this baby to be a girl. I feel like such a bitch saying that- after what we've been through the thought that I would cry over the baby's gender of all things- especially considering the ultrasound was good when it could have been so bad- well, those thoughts just made me sadder. I was sad for being sad.
Every time I've thought about parenthood since Charlotte I guess I've always pictured parenting, well, her. Logically I knew the difference, but I guess more than I realized I've really imagined myself with a little girl, doing little girl things. I've never really pictured myself with a boy. Well, now there's a little boy growing inside me and I don't really know what to make of it.
I know it's not politically correct to be disappointed in your baby's gender. And I do want this baby, I really do. And, I LOVE little boys so I don't know what my problem is. From reading other's blogs, etc., I think it's pretty common for us loss mamas to want, well, what we lost. I was banking on another girl without realizing it. I kind of feel like I lost my little girl all over again.
It's just so overwhelming. All of it. I feel like shit.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Home again
Well, back from the hospital.
Dr Internist was his usual non-personable all-business self. He barely said anything as I explained my erratic hb and immediately sent me for a mess of bloodwork and an EKG. Of course, when he checked my pulse it was perfectly fine, even though it's been jumpy off and on all day. I think he did believe me though (I should hope so!).
My EKG was abnormal, but I don't really know what was abnormal about it. He's going to review my bloodwork and my EKG results in detail and let me know if there's anything of concern. I have to go back in two weeks regardless. Whatever it was it wasn't alarming enough to admit me right away, so I guess that's a good sign!
Little bumblebee decided to keep kicking today. I think I've felt about 3 or 4 more definitive kicks, which is so fun. I am cautiously looking forward to our ultrasound on Friday- hoping for good news, but at this point, any news! I want to know growth etc. I also want to know the baby's sex. I am uber impatient this time.
Dr Internist was his usual non-personable all-business self. He barely said anything as I explained my erratic hb and immediately sent me for a mess of bloodwork and an EKG. Of course, when he checked my pulse it was perfectly fine, even though it's been jumpy off and on all day. I think he did believe me though (I should hope so!).
My EKG was abnormal, but I don't really know what was abnormal about it. He's going to review my bloodwork and my EKG results in detail and let me know if there's anything of concern. I have to go back in two weeks regardless. Whatever it was it wasn't alarming enough to admit me right away, so I guess that's a good sign!
Little bumblebee decided to keep kicking today. I think I've felt about 3 or 4 more definitive kicks, which is so fun. I am cautiously looking forward to our ultrasound on Friday- hoping for good news, but at this point, any news! I want to know growth etc. I also want to know the baby's sex. I am uber impatient this time.
A little update...
So, Dr MFM and Dr GP both called me back. The consensus is that it's probably nothing, but I should see Dr Internist ASAP to double check (Dr Internist is quite scary IMO which is why I didn't call him yesterday. He freaks me out.) If accompanied by dizziness, chest pain or shortness of breath it's probably something and I should head to the hospital.
So, this morning I called Dr Internist and he's doing a clinic at the hospital today. The nurse scheduled me in at 2:00 which was great. The irregularity has come back a few times in the past day or so, and this morning, for the first time, I'm quite dizzy. I've been dizzy off and on this whole pregnancy so I don't know how dizzy I should be before I'm worried. Right now, I'm not really worried. I see the doctor at the hospital in just a few hours so I'm sure whatever it is he'll fix me up.
Ah, the fun. I think I might pack a hospital bag in case he admits me.
You know you're a high-risk babylost mom when....
You pack your hospital bag at 18 weeks.
Anyway, on a fun note, I felt my first kick this morning. I've been feeling flutters for weeks, but today was the first defined kick. I had my hand on my tummy and I felt it in my hand too.
Keep growing little bumblebee!
So, this morning I called Dr Internist and he's doing a clinic at the hospital today. The nurse scheduled me in at 2:00 which was great. The irregularity has come back a few times in the past day or so, and this morning, for the first time, I'm quite dizzy. I've been dizzy off and on this whole pregnancy so I don't know how dizzy I should be before I'm worried. Right now, I'm not really worried. I see the doctor at the hospital in just a few hours so I'm sure whatever it is he'll fix me up.
Ah, the fun. I think I might pack a hospital bag in case he admits me.
You know you're a high-risk babylost mom when....
You pack your hospital bag at 18 weeks.
Anyway, on a fun note, I felt my first kick this morning. I've been feeling flutters for weeks, but today was the first defined kick. I had my hand on my tummy and I felt it in my hand too.
Keep growing little bumblebee!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Irregular heartbeat?
Anyone have any experience with this?
I was resting away yesterday, outside on my lounge chair. Felt pretty much ok, my heartbeat was "loud" as usual- it seems that in my prenatal state my pulse vibrates through my entire body. It usually corresponds with my bp- the louder it feels, the higher the bp. Anyway, I went inside to check my pressure and my machine gives me the reading (154-98) and also a little vibrating heart symbol I have never seen before, which indicates irregular heartbeat.
I've taken my bp hundreds of times on that machine and this is the first time I've gotten that symbol. When I stopped to pay attention to my heart it was indeed irregular- not fast, but not even. Instead of thump-thump-thump it was more like, thump.... thumpity thump thump... thump. It went back to normal after a few minutes but was bad again last night. I was worried, but the thought of going to sit in emergency was not appealing (Come ON twenty weeks, so I can at least go to L&D!). I decided to go to sleep and see how I was this morning.
This morning the heartbeat seems to be pretty normal, although my bp is high, but that's almost normal for me nowadays. Dr ObGYN is out of town this week. I called Dr MFM and she's not in today- her secretery assured me she'll call me as soon as she can, maybe this afternoon if she drops in or tomorrow morning. I called Dr GP and left a message and now I'm waiting for her to call me back.
Has this happened to anyone else?
I was resting away yesterday, outside on my lounge chair. Felt pretty much ok, my heartbeat was "loud" as usual- it seems that in my prenatal state my pulse vibrates through my entire body. It usually corresponds with my bp- the louder it feels, the higher the bp. Anyway, I went inside to check my pressure and my machine gives me the reading (154-98) and also a little vibrating heart symbol I have never seen before, which indicates irregular heartbeat.
I've taken my bp hundreds of times on that machine and this is the first time I've gotten that symbol. When I stopped to pay attention to my heart it was indeed irregular- not fast, but not even. Instead of thump-thump-thump it was more like, thump.... thumpity thump thump... thump. It went back to normal after a few minutes but was bad again last night. I was worried, but the thought of going to sit in emergency was not appealing (Come ON twenty weeks, so I can at least go to L&D!). I decided to go to sleep and see how I was this morning.
This morning the heartbeat seems to be pretty normal, although my bp is high, but that's almost normal for me nowadays. Dr ObGYN is out of town this week. I called Dr MFM and she's not in today- her secretery assured me she'll call me as soon as she can, maybe this afternoon if she drops in or tomorrow morning. I called Dr GP and left a message and now I'm waiting for her to call me back.
Has this happened to anyone else?
Friday, June 5, 2009
The other side
Thanks so much for the book recommendations. I am heading to the library with this list in hand- it will definitely help pass the time.
I had a very good friend through childhood and high school, and we pretty much lost touch when we went to separate universities. I would run into her mother in our hometown, and she would give me vague updates on where E was living, etc. With the progresses in the internet we became acquainted again via face.book a couple of years ago, and it was nice to see that she was happy, had met the love of her life, was pregnant, and living across the pond in Ireland.
She had her first baby girl shortly after I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte. She sent me a beautiful, heartfelt email after Charlotte died. She came home to visit last summer, and E and her significant other came to visit (sans baby, which was so thoughtful), and there was no baby chat- we caught up on old times and laughed and it was like no time had passed since high school.
Around Christmas, she announced on face.book that they were expecting a second baby. She writes a really hilarious mommy blog so I read along throughout the uneventful pregnancy. She decided on a homebirth, which from what I know is much more common in Ireland than here, and even though she had a picture perfect first delivery and 2 perfect pregnancies, it made me uneasy. Like a lot of us, all I could imagine were imminent emergencies where every second counted, and I felt a little nausea every time I thought about it.
Anyway, yesterday was the day.
She was a few days overdue, not too concerned, busy chasing after her toddler and updating her blog and her face.book status every couple of hours. E is baking cookies. E is going for a walk. No non-stress tests, bp profiles, no doctors appointments. No chaos.
Yesterday, early in the morning, she updated her fb status. E is in labour and is quite enjoying it.
Oh God. All I could picture were dead babies and ambulances flying to the hospital and everything that could possibly go wrong.
She updated regularly throughout the day. Then there were a few hours that were quiet. I was convinced, totally convinced, that there had been some emergency and the baby was dead.
I was wrong.
About 11pm last night, pictures appeared. The baby girl was here, all 8 1/2 lbs of chubbiness. There were pictures of a beaming E. with a pudgy baby at her breast, still covered in baby goo. No hospital bracelets or IVs in her hand and in her own bed. She looked tired, but purely, surely happy in the most wholesome way. I finally started to breathe again.
When I was pregnant with Charlotte and still in the world where pregnancy past 12w = baby, I never once had a desire for anything resembling natural childbirth, let alone a homebirth. In fact, I would have skipped labor altogether if given the choice. It seemed ironic when I actually did get that choice by a row of doctors in my L&D room: You can have a c-section which will give the baby the best chances, especially if she's bigger than we estimate, but it's a classical c-section so you'll always have to have a c-section. You can be induced but the baby this size probably won't tolerate contractions and will likely be stillborn. Induction will probably take a couple of days.
I looked at the row of doctors standing by the end of my bed on April 4th last year. To me there was no decision to make. C-section it was. She was born a couple of hours later. The recovery from the surgery was torturous.
It will be another c-section this time, no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy. I don't really mind- I know what to expect, I can imagine the room and the timeline and what it will look like and feel like. That said, lately I've found myself grieving, just a little bit, the fact that I will never ever really get to give birth to this or any other baby. It will always be clinical and planned. I'll likely never ever feel a contraction.
In the end I don't really give a shit- as long as the baby comes home they can haul it out through my nose if they like. But, days like yesterday are just reminders that I, like so many of you, lost oh so much more than the dead baby.
I had a very good friend through childhood and high school, and we pretty much lost touch when we went to separate universities. I would run into her mother in our hometown, and she would give me vague updates on where E was living, etc. With the progresses in the internet we became acquainted again via face.book a couple of years ago, and it was nice to see that she was happy, had met the love of her life, was pregnant, and living across the pond in Ireland.
She had her first baby girl shortly after I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte. She sent me a beautiful, heartfelt email after Charlotte died. She came home to visit last summer, and E and her significant other came to visit (sans baby, which was so thoughtful), and there was no baby chat- we caught up on old times and laughed and it was like no time had passed since high school.
Around Christmas, she announced on face.book that they were expecting a second baby. She writes a really hilarious mommy blog so I read along throughout the uneventful pregnancy. She decided on a homebirth, which from what I know is much more common in Ireland than here, and even though she had a picture perfect first delivery and 2 perfect pregnancies, it made me uneasy. Like a lot of us, all I could imagine were imminent emergencies where every second counted, and I felt a little nausea every time I thought about it.
Anyway, yesterday was the day.
She was a few days overdue, not too concerned, busy chasing after her toddler and updating her blog and her face.book status every couple of hours. E is baking cookies. E is going for a walk. No non-stress tests, bp profiles, no doctors appointments. No chaos.
Yesterday, early in the morning, she updated her fb status. E is in labour and is quite enjoying it.
Oh God. All I could picture were dead babies and ambulances flying to the hospital and everything that could possibly go wrong.
She updated regularly throughout the day. Then there were a few hours that were quiet. I was convinced, totally convinced, that there had been some emergency and the baby was dead.
I was wrong.
About 11pm last night, pictures appeared. The baby girl was here, all 8 1/2 lbs of chubbiness. There were pictures of a beaming E. with a pudgy baby at her breast, still covered in baby goo. No hospital bracelets or IVs in her hand and in her own bed. She looked tired, but purely, surely happy in the most wholesome way. I finally started to breathe again.
When I was pregnant with Charlotte and still in the world where pregnancy past 12w = baby, I never once had a desire for anything resembling natural childbirth, let alone a homebirth. In fact, I would have skipped labor altogether if given the choice. It seemed ironic when I actually did get that choice by a row of doctors in my L&D room: You can have a c-section which will give the baby the best chances, especially if she's bigger than we estimate, but it's a classical c-section so you'll always have to have a c-section. You can be induced but the baby this size probably won't tolerate contractions and will likely be stillborn. Induction will probably take a couple of days.
I looked at the row of doctors standing by the end of my bed on April 4th last year. To me there was no decision to make. C-section it was. She was born a couple of hours later. The recovery from the surgery was torturous.
It will be another c-section this time, no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy. I don't really mind- I know what to expect, I can imagine the room and the timeline and what it will look like and feel like. That said, lately I've found myself grieving, just a little bit, the fact that I will never ever really get to give birth to this or any other baby. It will always be clinical and planned. I'll likely never ever feel a contraction.
In the end I don't really give a shit- as long as the baby comes home they can haul it out through my nose if they like. But, days like yesterday are just reminders that I, like so many of you, lost oh so much more than the dead baby.
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