BP, BP what did I do to you???

169/101
145/105
150/100

That seems to be the pattern of bps for the past few days. Interspersed with a few more reasonable numbers of high 130s/80s.

Back to the GP tomorrow. Expecting an increase in meds. 16w tomorrow with the new dates.

The "living baby" thing is moving farther and farther away with each inflation of the bp cuff. Who the F* was I kidding? I'll be lucky at this rate if I even make it to 24w again.

A little disheartened, to say the least.

PS- thanks for understanding my crazy mental state of the last post- you all are really my best (only?) support in all this.

Too much thinking....

The past week has been really hard. Nothing is wrong; actually, things are going as well as they could possibly be, but emotionally I'm a total wreck.

This whole "pregnancy-after-loss" is awful. I have far too much time to think. I've been trying to sleep as much as possible to avoid thinking. It reminds me of the early, early days after losing Charlotte, when what I wanted more than anything (except my baby, of course), was an off-switch for my brain, to give myself some peace. It came, in time. Over the months I learned to function on top of the dead baby soundtrack playing in the back of my mind. I was productive and to the outside world, normal.

The combination of pregnancy hormones and stress has sent me spiraling backwards. I think constantly of the what-could-have-beens and the what-ifs. I'm terrified of this baby dying, and I'm terrified of this baby living. What if, after all this, I'm a horrible mom? What if I'm still so wrapped up in my grief that I can't parent this baby?

I feel like one of those brides that gets so caught up in the wedding the she doesn't give a thought to the actual marriage.

I want to prepare myself for being a parent, but that process scares me too. I checked out a book from the library on premature babies and read it a few days ago. Since a preemie is a definite possibility for us, I want to know as much as I can so I can ask the right questions if something comes up. M didn't like me reading it, he thinks reading things like that will make me too sad if this baby dies. He won't discuss names, paint colors, nothing. No one will. I feel like I'm tempting fate every time I bring something up that implies that the baby might actually come home. I want to make preparations for this baby, in some ways. If we do lose this baby, I want to have some memories and mementos from the pregnancy.

This limbo period sucks. I spend my days doing nothing, lying on the couch, to give this baby the best chance. My mind races. But I feel like I can't even plan. I feel guilty every time I log on a baby website or think about names or imagine Christmas with a baby in the house.

Our big anatomy scan is on June 12, M's birthday. We're hoping to find out the sex, and hopefully everything else will be ok. That ultrasound was the first sign that something was wrong with Charlotte- the first sign of slowed growth. I think if we can make it past that milestone in the clear I might relax a bit, and maybe M will too.

Dr. MFM won't give me back my five days, even though we measured well ahead on our 14w ultrasound. So, due date now stands as November 13th, and right now I'm 15w4d. 16w2d sounded so much better. Sigh.

You know, if I wasn't pregnant I would be making myself the biggest frozen margarita right now. I need a drink.

This whole post has probably made no sense. My mind is everywhere. I'm sorry.

Updates

First of all, you guys are awesome. Thanks so much for the honest and insightful comments on my last post- it really did help a lot.

After lots of dwelling and debating I talked to M about the whole "bring the baby" scenario and decided on what I was going to do. M felt very strongly that I should try. He reminded me multiple times that it had been a long, long time since I had seen the baby and that things had changed a lot since then, it would likely be easier now. After all, these are his oldest friends, and he wants to keep them (if it was entirely up to me I'd say forget it and move on). I wasn't as convinced, but I agreed to try with the disclaimer that I might have to "run to the store" if I got uncomfortable.

So, I emailed her back and said it was ok to bring the baby, and after all that, they didn't come.

Agh.

Now I guess it's out there, and they could show up at any time at all baby in tow.

I'm so engrossed in my own day-to-day survival right now that I think I could (maybe?) manage the visit. I mean, we live in different worlds, she and I. It's impossible to make the non-babylost understand my perspective on things; I gave up trying a long time ago. I'm getting pretty good at faking it around the normals- it's just easier to pretend- and we'll see how well my acting skills hold up.

Medical updates- Dr. Internist wants to up my meds a bit. I wasn't surprised, and my bp's been creeping back up there and I just got a reading of 159/105. Great. Love.nox started hurting like hell the past two days after a few days of pain-free shots. I think it totally depends on where I do the injection. I haven't learned my safe spots yet. I'm back to my ObGyn tomorrow so we'll see where things fit.

Is this necessary?

On Saturday we got an email from our "shadow baby" friends. We were pregnant together and they delivered a baby girl a few weeks before Charlotte's due date. I visited once (disastrous), way back last summer and that was the only contact I've had with the baby. I have had absolutely no desire to meet this child. M has, a couple of times, and he found it hard. He was more determined than I was as they're longtime friends of his, going all the way back to high school.

Anyway, we've done couple-only things with them and that's been awkward but ok.

On Saturday they wrote wanting updates on our pregnancy and M's new job, and said it would be nice to see us over the long weekend (today is the holiday here). I wrote back and said that we'd be around all weekend if anyone wanted to drop by. I just got an email back saying they might come by later today, and she asked if they can bring the baby.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either I say, sure, bring the baby, or I say no. Or I ignore the email and pretend I didn't get it. Either is a shitty option. I don't want to see this baby. I heard that she's learning to walk now and babbles away, and I really, really, don't need a living, breathing reminder of what Charlotte should/could be doing if things had turned out differently. I don't want to hear about baby music classes and swimming and all the things we had originally planned to do together. Plus, it would be my house, which means I can't run home when I'm overwhelmed. I'd be stuck.

Or, I say no, and feel like the biggest bitch in the world. I'm sure they think everything is hunky-dory over here with the one year anniversary past and a new pregnancy. My grief time has expired to the rest of the world. I don't know how to say no without seeming ridiculous to anyone but myself.

How long is this supposed to take me? Another six months? Another two years? Will I ever feel ready to welcome this child as part of my life? I don't see it happening, I really don't. I know I could force myself, but I'm not sure if this is the time to add stress to my life.

The last thing I need is the stress of this. I can feel my bp rising just debating the issue. Just another reason while I want to curl up in bed until this pregnancy is over.

At least she asked, I guess. But I wish I didn't have to give her an answer. I'm going to take a nap now.

Unsolicited advice

I don't know how many of you have a mother-in-law like mine. This is a good, old-fashioned venting post.

She considers herself an expert in many fields. Mostly medical. She read a few online articles about HELLP and pre-e and considers herself an expert there. She also considers herself an expert on premature babies as my husband was born at 36 weeks. I know 36 might have been a bigger deal 30+ years ago, but in my world, I don't even consider that early.

I am forever presented with well-meaning misguided information and advice.

Quotable quotes from the weekend:

Well, I think you're going to be just fine. You LOOK so much better this time. Your belly isn't nearly as saggy.

(Thanks?)


Your belly is a funny shape, same as Aunt J's used to be- she had a girl, I bet you're having a a girl.

You know, with iron low like yours I bet that's why your bp is high. I bet if they fix your iron your bp will straighten itself out.

(I asked three different specialists if there was any correlation at all. They all gave definitive no's.)

I found M's first snowsuit in the basement. I'm saving it for this baby.

(A 32 year old baby snowsuit that's been stored for the last 20 years in a moldy basement? I don't think so.)

Then there was this lovely conversation:

MIL: If you can keep your bp controlled until 18 weeks or so, you'll be fine.

Me: Well, it'll be a good start. But I can still get pre-e or HELLP at any time.

MIL: Yeah, but they can stop it. I read it goes away on its own.

Me: It goes away on its own AFTER delivery. That's the only cure. If/when I get it again, baby comes out.

MIL: I read it went away on its own.

Me: It does. After delivery.

Aaauuuggghhhh.

So, entertain me ladies. I know some of you have well meaning "experts" in your lives. I'm in the mood for some funny stories. Anyone?

Still going....

The little bumblebee is still in there and growing, according to the ultrasound today.

We're measuring at my LMP dates, even a couple of days ahead now, so I'm going to beg my MFM to move my due date back to Nov 8th. I want my 5 days back damn it!

So, I'm either 14w3d or 13w5d depending on who you ask. The ultrasound measurements were all between 14w3d and 15w. What a relief. I have never, ever had an ultrasound that measured ahead before. Such a nice feeling!

Baby is hilarious. Tucked right down at the bottom like Charlotte always was. He/she gave some good pictures and we saw little feet and little fingers. A good strong hb of 150bpm. I gave M strict instructions to scan my pics so I can post them (we'll see how long that takes!).

This week has gone slightly faster than last. Thanks so much to all of you for your support and for not making feel stupid for freaking out about my five days. I've been devouring seasons of Felicity on dvd which has filled some time. I dug out some old trashy novels from high school which is another good time waster. My meds make me sleep a lot, so I lose most of the afternoon there. Other than that, just checking off the days as they go by.

The silly lov.enox shots aren't too bad. Sure, they sometimes hurt like hell (although the one this morning wasn't bad at all), but the bruising is only a fraction of what I had when I was on full-fledged hep.arin last year. Giving myself the needle isn't really that hard, and I don't mind too much. At least it's something I can do.

M was so funny during the ultrasound. He could see much better than I could as the screen was next to my head, and he kept exclaiming things like "that's the baby's foot!" and "oh, he's waving!". It was too cute. He was so excited. When we were walking out he said, I really, really want this baby to come home this time.

Me too, sweetheart.

Down to a crawl...

I know I should be grateful that I'm pregnant and so far everything is (pretty much) ok.

I know I should be grateful that I am being well cared for by my doctors.

I know I should be happy that I'm in a position where, except for the whole dead baby thing, the rest of my life - home, money, health- is all ok.

I am grateful and happy for all of these, I really am.

I'm mad though at the same time.

OMG, time is crawling. This week has felt like 3. Every day is just like the previous day, and I check it off the calendar, take my pills and my blood pressure, and try to relax. I am relaxed I think- I've been sleeping ok and I haven't panicked about anything recently- but I am bored.

I got so sad on Tuesday- we went to see our MFM and she informed me that based on my ultrasound she wants to change my due date to November 13th instead of the 8th. 5 days should be no big deal, but I had to backtrack my counting from 13w2d to 12w4d on Tuesday. Even as I'm typing this it seems so trivial, no big deal, but the thought of having to re-d0 five days was defeating and depressing. I was so looking forward to hitting 14 weeks on Sunday. Now I'm not even 13 weeks until tomorrow.

I know, it's ridiculous. It's just that time is moving SO slowly. God.

My bp meds have been changed and adjusted. Dr MFM expressed concern that my bp was getting too low occasionally on the other medication. She explained that for people like me who normally have a highish BP, a drop to a low bp can also adversely affect baby's growth. So, new meds for me. I've been on this medication before and it's a horrible, horrible drug that makes you extremely tired. The only place I'm going is the doctor's office so I don't need to be awake most of the time, but I still hate the paralyzed tired feeling. Oh well. What do you do.

Tomorrow I head back to our hospital to a clinic to learn how to inject myself with hep.arin. The doctors were undecided about whether or not to give it to me, but I really wanted to take it so at least I'll know I tried if this baby dies too. It's only one shot a day so not too bad.

At Dr ObGYN's this week they were passing out these little free magazines. I looked at the cover when I was speaking to the receptionist. It had article headlines like "The pros and cons of an epidural", "Creating your birthplan", "Planning the perfect shower". Not one article that applied to me in the least.

Ah, to be normal again. Can you imagine?

I was thinking of magazine headlines that would work for me. Probably something like "Tips and techniques to lower your blood pressure", "How to pass the time on months of bedrest", "Convincing your mother you do not want a shower under any circumstances". That would be good reading for me.

I'm bored. I'm tired and cranky. I'm sick of waiting rooms and bp cuffs and TV movies and trashy novels. Already. At 12w6d.

When my ObGyn was filling out my chart, she said under her breath, this pregnancy is going to feel like forever.

Amen, sister. Amen.