First of all, you guys are awesome. Thanks so much for the honest and insightful comments on my last post- it really did help a lot.
After lots of dwelling and debating I talked to M about the whole "bring the baby" scenario and decided on what I was going to do. M felt very strongly that I should try. He reminded me multiple times that it had been a long, long time since I had seen the baby and that things had changed a lot since then, it would likely be easier now. After all, these are his oldest friends, and he wants to keep them (if it was entirely up to me I'd say forget it and move on). I wasn't as convinced, but I agreed to try with the disclaimer that I might have to "run to the store" if I got uncomfortable.
So, I emailed her back and said it was ok to bring the baby, and after all that, they didn't come.
Agh.
Now I guess it's out there, and they could show up at any time at all baby in tow.
I'm so engrossed in my own day-to-day survival right now that I think I could (maybe?) manage the visit. I mean, we live in different worlds, she and I. It's impossible to make the non-babylost understand my perspective on things; I gave up trying a long time ago. I'm getting pretty good at faking it around the normals- it's just easier to pretend- and we'll see how well my acting skills hold up.
Medical updates- Dr. Internist wants to up my meds a bit. I wasn't surprised, and my bp's been creeping back up there and I just got a reading of 159/105. Great. Love.nox started hurting like hell the past two days after a few days of pain-free shots. I think it totally depends on where I do the injection. I haven't learned my safe spots yet. I'm back to my ObGyn tomorrow so we'll see where things fit.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Is this necessary?
On Saturday we got an email from our "shadow baby" friends. We were pregnant together and they delivered a baby girl a few weeks before Charlotte's due date. I visited once (disastrous), way back last summer and that was the only contact I've had with the baby. I have had absolutely no desire to meet this child. M has, a couple of times, and he found it hard. He was more determined than I was as they're longtime friends of his, going all the way back to high school.
Anyway, we've done couple-only things with them and that's been awkward but ok.
On Saturday they wrote wanting updates on our pregnancy and M's new job, and said it would be nice to see us over the long weekend (today is the holiday here). I wrote back and said that we'd be around all weekend if anyone wanted to drop by. I just got an email back saying they might come by later today, and she asked if they can bring the baby.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either I say, sure, bring the baby, or I say no. Or I ignore the email and pretend I didn't get it. Either is a shitty option. I don't want to see this baby. I heard that she's learning to walk now and babbles away, and I really, really, don't need a living, breathing reminder of what Charlotte should/could be doing if things had turned out differently. I don't want to hear about baby music classes and swimming and all the things we had originally planned to do together. Plus, it would be my house, which means I can't run home when I'm overwhelmed. I'd be stuck.
Or, I say no, and feel like the biggest bitch in the world. I'm sure they think everything is hunky-dory over here with the one year anniversary past and a new pregnancy. My grief time has expired to the rest of the world. I don't know how to say no without seeming ridiculous to anyone but myself.
How long is this supposed to take me? Another six months? Another two years? Will I ever feel ready to welcome this child as part of my life? I don't see it happening, I really don't. I know I could force myself, but I'm not sure if this is the time to add stress to my life.
The last thing I need is the stress of this. I can feel my bp rising just debating the issue. Just another reason while I want to curl up in bed until this pregnancy is over.
At least she asked, I guess. But I wish I didn't have to give her an answer. I'm going to take a nap now.
Anyway, we've done couple-only things with them and that's been awkward but ok.
On Saturday they wrote wanting updates on our pregnancy and M's new job, and said it would be nice to see us over the long weekend (today is the holiday here). I wrote back and said that we'd be around all weekend if anyone wanted to drop by. I just got an email back saying they might come by later today, and she asked if they can bring the baby.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either I say, sure, bring the baby, or I say no. Or I ignore the email and pretend I didn't get it. Either is a shitty option. I don't want to see this baby. I heard that she's learning to walk now and babbles away, and I really, really, don't need a living, breathing reminder of what Charlotte should/could be doing if things had turned out differently. I don't want to hear about baby music classes and swimming and all the things we had originally planned to do together. Plus, it would be my house, which means I can't run home when I'm overwhelmed. I'd be stuck.
Or, I say no, and feel like the biggest bitch in the world. I'm sure they think everything is hunky-dory over here with the one year anniversary past and a new pregnancy. My grief time has expired to the rest of the world. I don't know how to say no without seeming ridiculous to anyone but myself.
How long is this supposed to take me? Another six months? Another two years? Will I ever feel ready to welcome this child as part of my life? I don't see it happening, I really don't. I know I could force myself, but I'm not sure if this is the time to add stress to my life.
The last thing I need is the stress of this. I can feel my bp rising just debating the issue. Just another reason while I want to curl up in bed until this pregnancy is over.
At least she asked, I guess. But I wish I didn't have to give her an answer. I'm going to take a nap now.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Unsolicited advice
I don't know how many of you have a mother-in-law like mine. This is a good, old-fashioned venting post.
She considers herself an expert in many fields. Mostly medical. She read a few online articles about HELLP and pre-e and considers herself an expert there. She also considers herself an expert on premature babies as my husband was born at 36 weeks. I know 36 might have been a bigger deal 30+ years ago, but in my world, I don't even consider that early.
I am forever presented with well-meaning misguided information and advice.
Quotable quotes from the weekend:
Well, I think you're going to be just fine. You LOOK so much better this time. Your belly isn't nearly as saggy.
(Thanks?)
Your belly is a funny shape, same as Aunt J's used to be- she had a girl, I bet you're having a a girl.
You know, with iron low like yours I bet that's why your bp is high. I bet if they fix your iron your bp will straighten itself out.
(I asked three different specialists if there was any correlation at all. They all gave definitive no's.)
I found M's first snowsuit in the basement. I'm saving it for this baby.
(A 32 year old baby snowsuit that's been stored for the last 20 years in a moldy basement? I don't think so.)
Then there was this lovely conversation:
MIL: If you can keep your bp controlled until 18 weeks or so, you'll be fine.
Me: Well, it'll be a good start. But I can still get pre-e or HELLP at any time.
MIL: Yeah, but they can stop it. I read it goes away on its own.
Me: It goes away on its own AFTER delivery. That's the only cure. If/when I get it again, baby comes out.
MIL: I read it went away on its own.
Me: It does. After delivery.
Aaauuuggghhhh.
So, entertain me ladies. I know some of you have well meaning "experts" in your lives. I'm in the mood for some funny stories. Anyone?
She considers herself an expert in many fields. Mostly medical. She read a few online articles about HELLP and pre-e and considers herself an expert there. She also considers herself an expert on premature babies as my husband was born at 36 weeks. I know 36 might have been a bigger deal 30+ years ago, but in my world, I don't even consider that early.
I am forever presented with well-meaning misguided information and advice.
Quotable quotes from the weekend:
Well, I think you're going to be just fine. You LOOK so much better this time. Your belly isn't nearly as saggy.
(Thanks?)
Your belly is a funny shape, same as Aunt J's used to be- she had a girl, I bet you're having a a girl.
You know, with iron low like yours I bet that's why your bp is high. I bet if they fix your iron your bp will straighten itself out.
(I asked three different specialists if there was any correlation at all. They all gave definitive no's.)
I found M's first snowsuit in the basement. I'm saving it for this baby.
(A 32 year old baby snowsuit that's been stored for the last 20 years in a moldy basement? I don't think so.)
Then there was this lovely conversation:
MIL: If you can keep your bp controlled until 18 weeks or so, you'll be fine.
Me: Well, it'll be a good start. But I can still get pre-e or HELLP at any time.
MIL: Yeah, but they can stop it. I read it goes away on its own.
Me: It goes away on its own AFTER delivery. That's the only cure. If/when I get it again, baby comes out.
MIL: I read it went away on its own.
Me: It does. After delivery.
Aaauuuggghhhh.
So, entertain me ladies. I know some of you have well meaning "experts" in your lives. I'm in the mood for some funny stories. Anyone?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Still going....
The little bumblebee is still in there and growing, according to the ultrasound today.
We're measuring at my LMP dates, even a couple of days ahead now, so I'm going to beg my MFM to move my due date back to Nov 8th. I want my 5 days back damn it!
So, I'm either 14w3d or 13w5d depending on who you ask. The ultrasound measurements were all between 14w3d and 15w. What a relief. I have never, ever had an ultrasound that measured ahead before. Such a nice feeling!
Baby is hilarious. Tucked right down at the bottom like Charlotte always was. He/she gave some good pictures and we saw little feet and little fingers. A good strong hb of 150bpm. I gave M strict instructions to scan my pics so I can post them (we'll see how long that takes!).
This week has gone slightly faster than last. Thanks so much to all of you for your support and for not making feel stupid for freaking out about my five days. I've been devouring seasons of Felicity on dvd which has filled some time. I dug out some old trashy novels from high school which is another good time waster. My meds make me sleep a lot, so I lose most of the afternoon there. Other than that, just checking off the days as they go by.
The silly lov.enox shots aren't too bad. Sure, they sometimes hurt like hell (although the one this morning wasn't bad at all), but the bruising is only a fraction of what I had when I was on full-fledged hep.arin last year. Giving myself the needle isn't really that hard, and I don't mind too much. At least it's something I can do.
M was so funny during the ultrasound. He could see much better than I could as the screen was next to my head, and he kept exclaiming things like "that's the baby's foot!" and "oh, he's waving!". It was too cute. He was so excited. When we were walking out he said, I really, really want this baby to come home this time.
Me too, sweetheart.
We're measuring at my LMP dates, even a couple of days ahead now, so I'm going to beg my MFM to move my due date back to Nov 8th. I want my 5 days back damn it!
So, I'm either 14w3d or 13w5d depending on who you ask. The ultrasound measurements were all between 14w3d and 15w. What a relief. I have never, ever had an ultrasound that measured ahead before. Such a nice feeling!
Baby is hilarious. Tucked right down at the bottom like Charlotte always was. He/she gave some good pictures and we saw little feet and little fingers. A good strong hb of 150bpm. I gave M strict instructions to scan my pics so I can post them (we'll see how long that takes!).
This week has gone slightly faster than last. Thanks so much to all of you for your support and for not making feel stupid for freaking out about my five days. I've been devouring seasons of Felicity on dvd which has filled some time. I dug out some old trashy novels from high school which is another good time waster. My meds make me sleep a lot, so I lose most of the afternoon there. Other than that, just checking off the days as they go by.
The silly lov.enox shots aren't too bad. Sure, they sometimes hurt like hell (although the one this morning wasn't bad at all), but the bruising is only a fraction of what I had when I was on full-fledged hep.arin last year. Giving myself the needle isn't really that hard, and I don't mind too much. At least it's something I can do.
M was so funny during the ultrasound. He could see much better than I could as the screen was next to my head, and he kept exclaiming things like "that's the baby's foot!" and "oh, he's waving!". It was too cute. He was so excited. When we were walking out he said, I really, really want this baby to come home this time.
Me too, sweetheart.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Down to a crawl...
I know I should be grateful that I'm pregnant and so far everything is (pretty much) ok.
I know I should be grateful that I am being well cared for by my doctors.
I know I should be happy that I'm in a position where, except for the whole dead baby thing, the rest of my life - home, money, health- is all ok.
I am grateful and happy for all of these, I really am.
I'm mad though at the same time.
OMG, time is crawling. This week has felt like 3. Every day is just like the previous day, and I check it off the calendar, take my pills and my blood pressure, and try to relax. I am relaxed I think- I've been sleeping ok and I haven't panicked about anything recently- but I am bored.
I got so sad on Tuesday- we went to see our MFM and she informed me that based on my ultrasound she wants to change my due date to November 13th instead of the 8th. 5 days should be no big deal, but I had to backtrack my counting from 13w2d to 12w4d on Tuesday. Even as I'm typing this it seems so trivial, no big deal, but the thought of having to re-d0 five days was defeating and depressing. I was so looking forward to hitting 14 weeks on Sunday. Now I'm not even 13 weeks until tomorrow.
I know, it's ridiculous. It's just that time is moving SO slowly. God.
My bp meds have been changed and adjusted. Dr MFM expressed concern that my bp was getting too low occasionally on the other medication. She explained that for people like me who normally have a highish BP, a drop to a low bp can also adversely affect baby's growth. So, new meds for me. I've been on this medication before and it's a horrible, horrible drug that makes you extremely tired. The only place I'm going is the doctor's office so I don't need to be awake most of the time, but I still hate the paralyzed tired feeling. Oh well. What do you do.
Tomorrow I head back to our hospital to a clinic to learn how to inject myself with hep.arin. The doctors were undecided about whether or not to give it to me, but I really wanted to take it so at least I'll know I tried if this baby dies too. It's only one shot a day so not too bad.
At Dr ObGYN's this week they were passing out these little free magazines. I looked at the cover when I was speaking to the receptionist. It had article headlines like "The pros and cons of an epidural", "Creating your birthplan", "Planning the perfect shower". Not one article that applied to me in the least.
Ah, to be normal again. Can you imagine?
I was thinking of magazine headlines that would work for me. Probably something like "Tips and techniques to lower your blood pressure", "How to pass the time on months of bedrest", "Convincing your mother you do not want a shower under any circumstances". That would be good reading for me.
I'm bored. I'm tired and cranky. I'm sick of waiting rooms and bp cuffs and TV movies and trashy novels. Already. At 12w6d.
When my ObGyn was filling out my chart, she said under her breath, this pregnancy is going to feel like forever.
Amen, sister. Amen.
I know I should be grateful that I am being well cared for by my doctors.
I know I should be happy that I'm in a position where, except for the whole dead baby thing, the rest of my life - home, money, health- is all ok.
I am grateful and happy for all of these, I really am.
I'm mad though at the same time.
OMG, time is crawling. This week has felt like 3. Every day is just like the previous day, and I check it off the calendar, take my pills and my blood pressure, and try to relax. I am relaxed I think- I've been sleeping ok and I haven't panicked about anything recently- but I am bored.
I got so sad on Tuesday- we went to see our MFM and she informed me that based on my ultrasound she wants to change my due date to November 13th instead of the 8th. 5 days should be no big deal, but I had to backtrack my counting from 13w2d to 12w4d on Tuesday. Even as I'm typing this it seems so trivial, no big deal, but the thought of having to re-d0 five days was defeating and depressing. I was so looking forward to hitting 14 weeks on Sunday. Now I'm not even 13 weeks until tomorrow.
I know, it's ridiculous. It's just that time is moving SO slowly. God.
My bp meds have been changed and adjusted. Dr MFM expressed concern that my bp was getting too low occasionally on the other medication. She explained that for people like me who normally have a highish BP, a drop to a low bp can also adversely affect baby's growth. So, new meds for me. I've been on this medication before and it's a horrible, horrible drug that makes you extremely tired. The only place I'm going is the doctor's office so I don't need to be awake most of the time, but I still hate the paralyzed tired feeling. Oh well. What do you do.
Tomorrow I head back to our hospital to a clinic to learn how to inject myself with hep.arin. The doctors were undecided about whether or not to give it to me, but I really wanted to take it so at least I'll know I tried if this baby dies too. It's only one shot a day so not too bad.
At Dr ObGYN's this week they were passing out these little free magazines. I looked at the cover when I was speaking to the receptionist. It had article headlines like "The pros and cons of an epidural", "Creating your birthplan", "Planning the perfect shower". Not one article that applied to me in the least.
Ah, to be normal again. Can you imagine?
I was thinking of magazine headlines that would work for me. Probably something like "Tips and techniques to lower your blood pressure", "How to pass the time on months of bedrest", "Convincing your mother you do not want a shower under any circumstances". That would be good reading for me.
I'm bored. I'm tired and cranky. I'm sick of waiting rooms and bp cuffs and TV movies and trashy novels. Already. At 12w6d.
When my ObGyn was filling out my chart, she said under her breath, this pregnancy is going to feel like forever.
Amen, sister. Amen.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Deja vu
At the risk of having this blog be just "Here's what my blood pressure is doing today", here's the latest with me.
Went to my GP this morning. She's new to me this pregnancy as my other doctor moved, but I LOVE her. She's so on the ball, and I really trust her. Anyway, after showing her my bp readings for the last week, then she checked it herself, the verdict is that I need meds. Yuck. I knew it was inevitable, I was really hoping to have them delayed awhile. She also wants me to give up working altogether which is just as well- I was finished at the university anyway so it just means giving up my church job.
They're working on getting a nurse to come to my house every second day to check my bp "officially", but the program doesn't start until 18 weeks so I have to wait awhile. In the meantime I have to continue to monitor my bp myself and she also gave me the strips to check my urine myself. The fun continues!
So, I have official orders to lie on the couch. That is my new job. I'm not on official "bedrest", but I have to take it as easy as possible.
It's only 12 1/2 weeks. I'm going to lose my mind before this pregnancy is over.
Last night we had friends come over for a visit. They're really lovely friends, have been very supportive, and brought us a little congratulations card with a baby's foot on it that says something like "those little toes will tiptoe into your heart". It is the exact same card that another couple gave us when we announced our pregnancy with Charlotte. Major deja vu. I hope that's the end of deja vu in this pregnancy.
Please grow, little baby. Grow grow grow.
Went to my GP this morning. She's new to me this pregnancy as my other doctor moved, but I LOVE her. She's so on the ball, and I really trust her. Anyway, after showing her my bp readings for the last week, then she checked it herself, the verdict is that I need meds. Yuck. I knew it was inevitable, I was really hoping to have them delayed awhile. She also wants me to give up working altogether which is just as well- I was finished at the university anyway so it just means giving up my church job.
They're working on getting a nurse to come to my house every second day to check my bp "officially", but the program doesn't start until 18 weeks so I have to wait awhile. In the meantime I have to continue to monitor my bp myself and she also gave me the strips to check my urine myself. The fun continues!
So, I have official orders to lie on the couch. That is my new job. I'm not on official "bedrest", but I have to take it as easy as possible.
It's only 12 1/2 weeks. I'm going to lose my mind before this pregnancy is over.
Last night we had friends come over for a visit. They're really lovely friends, have been very supportive, and brought us a little congratulations card with a baby's foot on it that says something like "those little toes will tiptoe into your heart". It is the exact same card that another couple gave us when we announced our pregnancy with Charlotte. Major deja vu. I hope that's the end of deja vu in this pregnancy.
Please grow, little baby. Grow grow grow.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Ugh
Oh, blood pressure, what did I ever do to you???
Since Sunday it's been going up. I've had a couple of good-ish readings like 125/80, but most of them have been higher than 140/90. I had 155/115 once (dropped a few minutes later) and 150/100 a number of times.
Of course, this is the only week since I got pregnant that I don't have a doctor's appointment. I called my GP and will see her Thursday morning. I will not hesitate to go to emergency if it stays really high in the meantime.
This is so, so close to our pregnancy with Charlotte. I can't know exactly because things weren't monitored this closely last time, but I know that somewhere between 12-14 weeks my bp went up. I really wish this wasn't happening. I've been resting as much as possible. I know all the doctors will do would be put me on meds, and they're no help to the baby, so it just sucks all around.
Please grow, little baby.
My MFM is down south, like everyone else around here, but I see her a week from today on her first day back. What a list of questions I will have.
I really, really don't think I could handle another dead baby. This baby HAS to come home.
Since Sunday it's been going up. I've had a couple of good-ish readings like 125/80, but most of them have been higher than 140/90. I had 155/115 once (dropped a few minutes later) and 150/100 a number of times.
Of course, this is the only week since I got pregnant that I don't have a doctor's appointment. I called my GP and will see her Thursday morning. I will not hesitate to go to emergency if it stays really high in the meantime.
This is so, so close to our pregnancy with Charlotte. I can't know exactly because things weren't monitored this closely last time, but I know that somewhere between 12-14 weeks my bp went up. I really wish this wasn't happening. I've been resting as much as possible. I know all the doctors will do would be put me on meds, and they're no help to the baby, so it just sucks all around.
Please grow, little baby.
My MFM is down south, like everyone else around here, but I see her a week from today on her first day back. What a list of questions I will have.
I really, really don't think I could handle another dead baby. This baby HAS to come home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)