So, yesterday was Charlotte's 2nd birthday.
It was a crappy day. A crappy week actually. I find the days leading up to her birthday are the hardest- memories of hospital stays and bad ultrasounds, quiet-spoken doctors, hopeful moments and tragic moments. The day itself isn't as bad. Of course, yesterday was Easter Sunday so I had to be on my best behaviour at church. There was much difficult, celebratory music to lead, the most important service of the year for me.
There was a small vase of flowers on the organ bench. Little yellow tulips in a vase covered in butterflies. No card. I don't know who they were from, but I was touched that someone remembered. Whoever it was the only person who acknowledged the day.
Anyway, I made it through the service, and came home to a Bee sound asleep in his swing and M outside digging a hole for a new tree. After the tree planting we headed to the cemetery for a visit and brought balloons, like we did last year.
It was sad, but not as sad as last year. More wistful now. Easier to turn off, if that makes any sense.
We've kept ourselves busy this week. M has been his usual self: painting and gardening, little home projects here and there. I cooked. A lot. I baked cinnamon rolls and bread, a birthday cake for Charlotte. Made some yummy pork recipes and a few new soups. This is a new mechanism for me- before I was paralyzed, incapable of doing anything through the grief. Now, it's easier to keep busy. Keeps my mind off things. I'm amazed that I can turn my mind off now- I never ever thought that would be possible. I guess that's what happens over time.
I also gained three pounds. Oh well.
I feel so very far from Charlotte now. The last two years have felt like a separate lifetime. I can't imagine her as a toddler or even a chubby baby like Adam. I can't imagine our lives with her present, here, on earth, without the grief and anguish and everything that has reshaped us as people over the past two years. She changed us infinitely, likely more than we would have changed had she lived.
Happy Birthday, baby girl. We love you.
