Time is ticking

So, BPP and appt with my MFM this morning. I laid it out there- the nightmares, the lack of fetal movement, the worry. What to do. She was great about it. I have to continue my kick counts of course, and if at ANY time I don't get the requisite number, head to L&D right away. She said she doesn't care if I'm there everyday, it's better safe than sorry.

And... (this is the exciting part)

AMNIO IS SCHEDULED THREE WEEKS FROM TODAY!

*If* it comes back positive for lung maturity (which is a big "if"- she said it's about 50/50), we'll probably go ahead and deliver the following day, which will be October 16th. Three weeks! That's it! I can do it, I can. If it's negative then we wait a week and rinse and repeat.

Of course, if things start going south for either me or him in the meantime we deliver ASAP.

I feel infinitely better having (a potential) ending date. Even if it's delayed at least I feel progress. And, at any rate, me and Bumblebee should be home and settled by Halloween, which will be so sweet.

He was true to form during the BPP and barely budged at all. At least they saw what I was talking about. He did pass though, barely, again. Everything on the ultrasound looked good. I have to wait another week for measurements.

We have a bassinet and a package of newborn diapers, some baby shampoo. That's about it. The nursery is pretty much ready but I don't think that he'll be sleeping in there for some time anyway. Now I feel like I need to get other things ready. All my "normal" pregnant friends are consumed with making freezer-ready meals and things like that. Is there anything I should be doing to prepare for the "after"? It's so hard to imagine an "after". I don't want to come home with the baby and realize that we are so not ready. The same time, it's hard to imagine coming home at all, and I can't think of what I can do now that would make life easier then.

I am so excited today. There is a (hopeful) light at the end of this long, stressful tunnel.

Visits and NSTs

My sister and niece have come and gone. What a darling, darling little baby. She's nearing the 18-month mark, has mastered a toddler's walk, and is learning new vocab every day. She looks like a blend of my sisters and I, and I really really would have kept her, if the option had been there. Of course, it wasn't.

It was so natural to spend time with her. It was really, really hard to see her as my niece alone and not mine, as she looks so much like me and in her little mind's confusion often called me mommy. It broke my heart, every time. We cuddled and played and sang songs, she has mastered the "ABC" part of the alphabet song and we made progress at "LMNOP". Even though we had never met before she had no transition period- she latched on from the moment she arrived to my sister's delight, who was desperate for some child-free time. She adored M- she literally followed him around the house and he tickled her, wrestled with her and gave her piggy back rides. She called him daddy many times. Again, broke my heart. And M's.

And now she's gone, and Bumblebee will be long here before I see her again. While she was here it was so difficult to not wish for two little girls - they would have had such fun, and they would have grown to be so close.

I only had one really bad emotional spell, in the middle of the night on Saturday night, which kept me up for hours and I tried to distract myself by reading vacation guides to Florida. I finally crept back to bed at 6am, trying to void my mind of the injustice, once again, in losing Charlotte.

Sigh.

Bumblebee came very, very close to not passing a NST yesterday. The first 20 mins were a straight line on the monitor- no fluctuation in HB at all. This baby freaks me out on a regular basis. He is not a big mover. I go hours without feeling him, and even when he does move, the movements are so gentle. I often miss them if I don't have my hands on my tummy. Anyway, he slept soundly through the first part of the NST, and Lovely Nurse seemed a big worried. I had already had a popsicle and juice, so I had more juice and we jiggled my belly and I rolled onto my side. He finally did wake up a little, and they got the readings they wanted and the strip was read as "normal". I have been a compulsive kick counter all along, and while I always get the requisite "6 in 2 hours" my doctors talk about, I really wish he was more active. I don't really know what else to do- I have NSTs every 2 days as it is. I kick count. I call my nurse if he doesn't move and we do another NST. BPPs every week. It frightens me so that he might slip away and I not even notice it because he's such a lethargic baby. I truly cannot wait until this baby comes out. Mentally I am getting to the end of my rope. My BP is on it's way up to prove it.

32w5d now. Getting so close. Still feels like forever.

U/s update!

So, Bumblebee continues to be a rock star! He is growing well (albeit a little smaller than average, and his tummy had only grown one week's worth of growth in two weeks, but he is still growing!). We're estimating 3lbs 12 oz now. His head is huge and is measuring about 35+ weeks which is funny- the nurse called him "top-heavy"! He is pretty cute!

Off to meet my little niece now!

Still here

I haven't posted lately. I haven't had much to say.

Everything is going fine, pregnancy-wise. Tomorrow is our next BPP, and I think Bumblebee has grown. I feel bigger, he feels bigger. Of course, it's hard to tell. We'll see tomorrow.

I'll be 32 weeks tomorrow.

I never thought I'd make it this far, neither did my doctors. Things are relatively stable. BP seems to be under control, which is great. I'm hanging in there. Still feeling very blah, but I'm finding the days are ticking by and time is going a little faster. It's literally just a few weeks now. I can't believe it.

I have trouble imagining myself with a living baby, which is just as well. Our house is almost baby-ready, with new gear showing up via courier all the time (online shopping is great when you're on bedrest!), and we have gutted closets and reorganized rooms. The little one could show up right now and he'd have a place. For now, it all kind of feels like I'm playing house, but in time it will be real, and that's hard to believe.

I have nightmares, almost every night. Makes sleeping difficult, and not at all restful. In my dreams, the baby has died in every way a baby can possibly die- infection, random stillbirth, cord accidents, SIDS. I wake up sweating and shaking. It takes me a few minutes to calm down and I rarely get back to sleep. I can sleep all day anyway so it doesn't really matter. At any rate, I'll be very very relieved when this pregnancy is over. I'm pretty calm when I'm awake, but the dreams are starting to really get to me. I dread going to bed.

My sister and little niece are coming tomorrow, travelling across the country to visit for a few days. I haven't met my little niece yet- she was born the week before Charlotte, full term and healthy. I don't see her the way I see Charlotte- for one thing, Charlotte should be a few months younger if she had gone to term. At any rate, I'm hoping to be able to really enjoy the little one this weekend without seeing everything as a "what-if" or a "should-have-been". That said, I am expecting some sad moments. We'll see.

I'll post a quick update tomorrow after the BPP.

Hope all is well with all of you.

Bee news and blah-ness

Do you ever feel like you're an observer in your own life? I've been having a lot of trouble lately really experiencing anything. The days are passing in a fog, and it's hard to believe that this is really it, my existence. I'm missing it, I am.

Bumblebee was a rockstar in the BPP this week. 3 lbs now. Tummy had grown, a lot. Legs are still short, but that's ok. Drs are elated, M was ecstatic. And, to be honest, I felt nothing. I slept fine the night before, even knowing that a bad measurement or lack of belly growth could have sent us into L&D much sooner than planned. I wasn't nervous, I wasn't excited. I watched the numbers flick up on the u/s screen and really, felt nothing.

I'm assuming this is my body's self-preservation mode, in case something really does go wrong.

We're 30w1d now, which is past my goal of 30w. Again, I'm not as excited as I thought I would be, even though the possibility of bringing home a living child is now more than a mere possibility. 3 lb babies can do well, even if he has to come soon. The days are ticking by. Another couple of weeks and I'll be out of the "very premature" stage. So hard to believe. Maybe I don't believe.

I'm coming across as ungrateful and negative. I don't mean to be. I'm kind of puzzled at this late lack of emotion. I'm completely shut off. I'm not excited, I'm not worried, not happy or sad, I'm just here. Blah. Wishing I could go to sleep and wake up when it's all over.

That's the thing though, there's a whole "after" when it's over. That's really when it all begins. I hope I can snap out of this if I'm lucky enough to bring home this baby.

For Mirne

I am so saddened today. I can't believe that such a wonderful online friend has to endure yet another tragedy. The words "life isn't fair" don't even begin to describe.

There are just no words for something this horrible.

http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com/